GOSSIP: Causes, Effects and Solutions

PREFACE


All of us often find ourselves generating, hearing, or participating in evaluative comments about someone who is not present during the conversation. It is often valuable and sometimes unavoidable to be part of such communications. To function efficiently in a complex social environment, humans require information about those around them. However, social inter-connections are complex, and it is impossible to be present at many primary exchanges to absorb this kind of information directly. Thus, many people are eager to pick it up through an intermediary, whether or not they have the luxury and patience to confirm it later either directly or indirectly. This phenomenon, of course, is called gossip. It is an important social behavior that nearly everyone experiences, contributes to, and presumably intuitively understands. A paradox of gossip is that it is everywhere, though there are numerous social and biblical sanctions against it.

We have two types of gossip: the positive and the negative gossip. While the positive gossip serves the purpose of sharing healthy and problem-solving information, the negative gossip is malicious and destructive. However, most people have an innate craving to pull others down. And so, they continue to cause sorrow, tears and blood; not with guns, not with knives, but with their tongues which have proved to be deadlier than any poison or weapon ever known to mankind.

Many marriages have been broken. Many families have been torn apart. Many companies have collapsed. Many churches have been thrown into confusion. Many committed Christians have denounced their faith and abandoned their calling because of gossip and slander. Gossips are negative-minded. They often see the world as a big problem, and in their eyes, all of us are part of it. No matter how well things are going, they focus on the little negative details. One blast of negative comment from their lips, can erase the smile on your face permanently. Unfortunately, we are always with gossips. We have them, in our homes and families. We have them, in our offices and institutions. We have them, in our churches. We meet them everywhere we go. In spite of the devastating effects of gossip, not much publicity has been given to it; and so they continue in their nefarious acts.

I was motivated to write this book by the need to reduce the prevalence of gossip in our society. As you already know, evil thrives in secrecy and ignorance. Gossip: Causes, Effects and Solutions aims at exposing and attracting public attention to gossips and their methods of operation.

Chapter 1 of this book focuses on the Nature of Gossip. Chapter 2 looks at the poisonous effect of gossip on our minds. Chapter 3 deals with office gossips; while Chapter 4 reviews religious views on Gossip. Chapter 5 takes a critical look at Gossip and Slander in the Church. I hope that after reading this book, you will not only have value for your money, but will also help to achieve the purpose for which this book was written.

- VICTOR IZUOGU


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C H A P T E R 1

THE NATURE OF GOSSIP




“There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly behooves any of us
To talk about the rest of us”.
- Edward Wallis Hoch (1849 - 1925)



Virtually all of us frequently find ourselves producing, hearing, or otherwise participating in evaluative comments about someone who is not present in the conversation. It is often valuable (and sometimes unavoidable) to be part of such communications. To function efficiently in a complex social environment, humans require information about those around them. But social inter-connections are complex, and it is impossible to be present at many primary exchanges to absorb this kind of information directly. Thus, many people are eager to pick it up through an intermediary, whether or not they have the luxury and patience to confirm it later either directly or indirectly. This phenomenon, of course, is called gossip. It is an important social behavior that nearly everyone experiences, contributes to, and presumably intuitively understands. A paradox of gossip is that it is ubiquitous, though there are numerous social and biblical sanctions against it. Most societies have explicit sanctions against gossip, and numerous cautionary narratives demonstrate its unwanted outcomes.

Obviously, for gossiping and the sanctions against it to co-exist, there must be value in the generation and consumption of gossip that outweighs the counterforce of the sanctions. There is no denying that gossip, like rumor can wreck relationships, and stir up a cauldron of trouble. The victims of gossip may be hurt by seeing how others perceive their affairs, by distortion or manipulation of information, or by the violation of private matters.

Definition of Gossip

Gossip does not lend itself to simple definitions or uniform explanations. We all know what gossip is, but defining, identifying, and measuring it is a complex enterprise for practical investigation. However, for the purpose of this book, defining the content, circumstances, and functions of gossip will help to put discussions into perspective.

According to the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, “gossip” means “To indulge in idle talk or rumors about others”. Most of this talk about others involves negative discussions between two or more people concerning those that are not physically present at the time of discussion.

A common feature of gossip is that it often masquerades as “concern” for others. Gossips often hide behind a pretentious expression of concern for their victims. Their opening gambit flows in this tone, “I hate to say anything about this to you, but I’m ’concerned’ about so and so.” At other times, the gossip will seek you out as their ‘confidant’ to unload their ‘heavy heart’ about their ‘concerns’. “I’m very troubled about so and so and I don’t know who else to talk to about it.” In reality, the gossip is not sincerely concerned about solving the problem. He is only interested in talking about it – stirring it up. A perverse man, the ancient book told us, stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends. Gossip thrives on the negative, the controversial, and the sensational. Anyone who is genuinely concerned about solving a problem will go and privately confront the person around whom the issue revolves and express his opinions and concern directly.

The process of gossip

The gossip is like a spider looking for a prey to lure into his trap. He may confide to you, secrets of his private concerns about other people. Perhaps in sympathy, you may express your half-hearted agreement with his concerns, or you may even be lured into confiding your secret to him too.

Subsequently, the gossip will repeat the process with someone else. But next time, he will add your name as an endorsement of his private “issue,” and will eventually even disclose the secrets you shared with him. And on and on it goes. The character of those who gossip is highly infectious. In analyzing this obnoxious character, Robert Greene, the author of The 48 Laws of Power has these words of wisdom to share with us:

The infecting character type is not restricted to women. It has nothing to do with gender. The infecting character’s misfortunes stem from an inward instability that radiates outwards, drawing disaster upon itself. There is almost a desire to destroy and unsettle which is natural in those who possess it. You could spend a life time studying the pathology of infecting characters. But do not waste your time – just learn the lesson. When you suspect that you are in the presence of an infector, don’t argue. Don’t try to help. Don’t try to pass the person on to your friends. Just flee the infector’s presence or suffer the consequences.

The incurably unhappy and unstable people have a particularly strong infecting power because their characters and emotions are so intense. They often present themselves as (innocent) victims; making it difficult at first, to see their miseries as self inflicted. Before you realize the real nature of their problems, you are infected by them.

Speaking negatively about people is widely condemned because it demeans the dignity of man — both the speaker and the subject of the gossip. Watch out, therefore, for people who are eager to divulge personal information about others to you. The problem is that gossip can be very hurtful to people; even damaging to their careers. Sadly, this damage can occur whether the gossip is factual or not. Its effect can last a lifetime. Gossiping causes trouble. Yet it appears that human beings are socially geared for it.

Characteristics of Gossip

As mentioned earlier, gossip is a conversation between two or more people that concerns a third person who is not present. We have two kinds of gossip: the negative gossip and the positive gossip. Ironically, the most popular gossip is the negative gossip that tarnishes the image of those that are not present at the time of the discussion.

Below are other features of gossip:

· Most gossips are based on lies. The people gossiping know that lying is wrong. That is one of the reasons why gossip usually begins with expressions like, "I heard" or "someone told me." Attributing a statement to someone else takes the responsibility for its accuracy away from the person speaking. But this technicality does not make it ethical to gossip.

· The conversation takes place in private. Gossip is usually a private conversation with a conspiratorial tone that happens between two or more people.

· Gossip often thrives on secrecy and ignorance. Where these are removed, gossip is hampered.

· The people gossiping and the person being gossiped about know one another in real life. By this definition, celebrity gossip is not really gossip unless the speaker and the listener are friends with the celebrity in question.

· The people gossiping compare themselves in some way to the person being gossiped about, usually considering themselves to be better than and superior to the victim of their gossip.

· Gossip always contributes to a problem and never to a solution.

· Gossip always distorts and exaggerates the true position of things, and is never a reliable source of truth.

· Those who gossip naturally feel a momentary sense of guilt when they see the person they gossiped against.

Gossip vs. Rumor

Rumors and gossip have similar distasteful connotations, but most people disagree about whether they are the same thing. Here is a highlight of different views on gossip and rumor:

· humanrelys of gossip
· Rumor is a specific type of gossip. A writer once remarked that rumours are carried by enemies, spread by the ignorant and accepted by fools without confirmation.

· Gossip is based on fact, but rumors are based on hypotheses.

· Gossip is a tool for maintaining social order, but rumor is a tool for explaining things that people do not understand.

· Gossip relates to something people believe has happened, but rumors express what people hope or fear will happen.

Negative Gossip vs. sharing healthy information (Positive Gossip)

There is certain shared information that cannot be classified as gossip. The nature of such information exchange can best be described as positive gossip. Some of them are as stated below:

1. Complaint against injustice, such as complaining to a ruler, judge or others in authority. A person may say in this case: "I was treated unjustly by so-and-so in such and such matter. I therefore urge you to help me obtain justice." This cannot be classified as gossip.

2. Seeking help to correct a wrong deed. A person may say: "Mr. A does such and such which is against the law, so stop him." His intention should be to check the condemnable behavior. If this is not the case, then the statement is gossip. The speaker, in this instance, should be willing to confront the wrong-doer directly with facts, if invited.

3. Warning people against evil and advising them. This could include criticism of unwholesome behaviors exhibited by some individuals. Without alluding to particular situations, names and actions, the warning may not be delivered effectively and successfully.

4. Giving information to avoid danger. Someone may simply want to pass along useful information so as to help others. For instance, a mother telling her child about some other child who was hurt by a car because of playing in the street is presumably not motivated by a desire to make the victim look bad; rather, the intention is to help her own child learn to avoid such a fate. This cannot be said to be negative gossip.

5. An open discussion aimed at proffering a solution. When there is a problem or a challenging situation, concerned individuals may objectively discuss to proffer solutions to the situation. Discussions in this regard, cannot of course, be classified as gossip. The discussants should be willing to invite all parties involved to the meeting for an open and amicable resolution of the problem.

In addition to the above, the following is a list of times when talking about other people is sort of, or sometimes acceptable:

· When a major life change is occurring to someone you know and sincerely care about, and you pass on the information to others who might also care about the person.

· When you really plan to take positive action to alleviate the situation the gossip refers to, and need a neutral perspective.

· When you are warning someone about a person whose practices are definitely undesirable.

· When you have accurate information to defuse or counteract a damaging or inaccurate rumour.

In the words of David J. Schwartz the author of The Magic of Thinking Big:

All conversation is not gossip…They serve a good purpose when they are constructive. You can test your proneness to be a gossip by taking this test:

Do I spread rumours about other people?
Do I always have good things to say about others?
Do I like to hear reports of a scandal?
Do I judge others only on the basis of facts?
Do I encourage others to bring their rumors to me?
Do I precede my conversations with “Don’t tell anybody?”
Do I keep confidential information confidential?
Do I feel guilty about what I say concerning other people?

However, if we must discuss about people in their absence, we must avoid making derogatory statements against those that are absent. ........

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To purchase another e-book titled, MASTURBATION: How to Overcome and Quit the Habit from the same author, visit this link: http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=259619